I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
All. The. Damn. Time.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Natural selection at its finest