Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I have no passwords left in me
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.