Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
You Might Also Like
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
As the Lord intended
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering