I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.