Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
work smarter, not harder
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger