not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
tell em, edith-anne
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family