Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
bout dat hot dog summer
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.