I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.