Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.