Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
You Might Also Like
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
the #horror is real!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.