May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king