*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Kids forever killing vibes 💀