SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
i dont have time for this
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs