5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger