#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
You Might Also Like
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Comparing yourself to others
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.