My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I feel seen.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!