Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
OMG 🤣🤣
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir