[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.