Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows