Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
damn he’s good
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed