She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I bet
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Twitter is the new flypaper.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀