Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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normalize having existential bread
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”