People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.