someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk