I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
You Might Also Like
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Yup
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
opening twitter today
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Is this you?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.