In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
How wrong was this guy?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]