A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The sacred texts.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”