Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
new career option?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?