I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
This sounds bad:
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!