Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?