Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.