Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Is….Is this an option?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse