There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.