My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
You Might Also Like
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.