Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.