My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I have many caverns
some Old Testament wisdom
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
#TopTip
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too