I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair