How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.