Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
You Might Also Like
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to