Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
He took my last fry, your honor
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??