me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
PARKOUR
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice