Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You Might Also Like
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
<- sleeps well with others
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.