Always.
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’