Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
March 16
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Friday
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.