[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”