“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.