When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Love is in the air fryer.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you