Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir