sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
You Might Also Like
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I cannot stop laughing at this
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.