Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time